


Never bloom again

by luschoney



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alexander Hamilton Being Alexander Hamilton, Alternate Universe - Boarding School, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Disorder, Blackmail, Boys In Love, Character Death, Coming Out, Dubious Consent, Eating Disorders, Emotional Manipulation, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay John Laurens, High School, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insomnia, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Manipulation, Multi, Mutual Pining, Poor Alexander Hamilton, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Racism, Racist Language, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Shit Hits The Fan, Slow Burn, Slurs, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, but it gets cleaned up, eventually, pretty long, probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:14:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23129116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luschoney/pseuds/luschoney
Summary: Alex had never had an easy life. His dad walked out on them, his brother disappeared and his mum was sick.And then she died.Since his father wants nothing to do with him, he’s sent to a boarding school in a different country with one plan: study, graduate top of the class, and do something useful with your life.The plan starts to crumble when he finds himself with friends, enemies--and in love with his roommate.
Relationships: Aaron Burr/Charles Lee, Aaron Burr/Theodosia Prevost Burr, Adrienne de Lafayette/Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette, Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Alexander Hamilton/Maria Reynolds, Charles Lee/Margaret "Peggy" Schuyler (Past), George III of the United Kingdom/Samuel Seabury, George Washington/Martha Washington, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan, Hercules Mulligan/Margaret "Peggy" Schuyler, James Reynolds & Charles Lee, James Reynolds & Maria Reynolds, John Laurens/ Francis Kinloch (Past), John Laurens/Martha Manning, Thomas Jefferson/Angelica Schuyler, Thomas Jefferson/James Madison
Comments: 4
Kudos: 42





	Never bloom again

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on tumblr? @luschoney

The police ruled the death as accidental.

An “accidental” overdose on the morphine she’d been taking, the doctors said. Nothing could be done to save her.

But Alex knew better. He’d seen her the morning before her death; he’d come into her room, carrying a bowl of warm chicken soup and a glass of cold water. She’d taken her painkillers, ate half the soup. Then she looked at him and cried.

He remembered the words she’d said: _Alexander, Mi querido. Te amo._

And he’d said he loved her too, and closed the curtains and shut the door.

No matter what the cops said, he knew she meant to die. 

And now he was all alone.

The police had asked him about his name, age and whether he had anyone to go to while they figured out who’d be taking custody of him. He was sixteen, so he could technically live by himself, but he wasn’t ready to be by himself.

Not yet.

They took him to his next door neighbour, Ms Baker, an old but sweet widowed woman who had bought them croissants every week since he and his mother got ill. She wept when they told her his mum had passed away and said _of course_ she’d look after him.

Ms Baker took out a large 1000 puzzle piece and a freshly baked shepherd's pie. She didn’t pry, didn’t pester him about how he was feeling, which he liked. She just kept him company next to the flickering fire, and said goodnight when he went to bed early.

He cried that night; not just for his lost mother, but for what her death meant. He hadn’t spoken to the other members of his family for years. He didn’t have friends other than Robert, the older kid who worked at the grocery store. He had no skills but than his writing, and he doubted anyone would pay him to do it. He had no future.

Alex spent the next day lying in bed, staring at the grey ceiling above him. Ms Baker bought him breakfast (beans on toast with hash browns) and asked if he wanted to watch a movie. She nodded sadly when he declined, and he resumed staring at the ceiling.

Later, there was a knock on the door. There was a click and the door was opened. He heard the voices of a strange woman and man; he sat up straight. Ms Baker called for him to come downstairs into the living room.

“Alex,” She said, smiling. “These are Miss Angel and Mr Greene. They have some things to tell you about what happens next.”

Alex muttered a quiet hello.

Greene nodded at Ms Baker, and she left the room.

“Mr Hamilton,” Angel said. “How are you feeling?”

Alex shrugged. “Fine. What’s going on?”

Greene and Angel exchanged glances. They probably didn’t expect him to be that calm. Truth was, numbness had taken over his body; he didn’t feel anything.

“Your mother’s burial was not covered under her life insurance,” Greene told him carefully. “Your father and the county are going to cover the costs of the funeral, which will be held next week.”

Alex blinked. “My dad?”

Angel and Greene exchanged another look. He wished they’d stop doing that.

“We have managed to locate your father, Mr Hamilton,” Angel said. “He lives in Scotland and will have custody over you as soon as the paperwork is finished.”

“My dad,” Alex repeated. “I haven’t seen him in more than four years.”

“Well.” Greene scratched his head awkwardly. “He does have his own family now. He might have been a bit busy.”

“Busy. Right.” He swallowed the bitter taste in his mouth and glanced at them. “Do I have a say in this?”

“Unfortunately not,,” Angel said. “Mr- uh- Hamilton, your father, has agreed to take you in, and as your parent, he has more right than any other relative.”

“Your father will be coming for your mother’s funeral,” Greene said quickly, before Alex had a chance to interrupt. “You will be leaving with him after everything is settled.”

Alex blinked “To- to _Scotland_?”

“If that is where your father wishes to take you, then yes,” Angel said, looking at her watch, looking like she couldn’t care less. “We will be in contact soon, Mr Hamilton. Take care.” She left the room.

Greene looked at him hesitantly. “I’m sorry for your loss, Alexander,” he said quietly, as if it were an afterthought, then followed his partner hastily.

The next few days went by slowly. Alex went out to get groceries for Ms Baker. Robert looked at him sympathetically as he handed the items for checkout.

“I’m sorry about your Ma, ‘lex.” He said, putting the food in bags. “I hope your doing alright.”

Alex hummed in acknowledgement, handing him a 20 pound bill.

“What’s gonna happen next, then?” He asked lightly.

Alex shrugged. “My dad’s coming,” he murmured quietly.

Robert blinked. “Your dad? I thought you hadn’t seen him in years?”

“I haven’t. Some people contacted him. He’s in Scotland and coming to get me.”

“So your leaving England?” His friend questioned quietly.

“I don’t know, Rob,” he answered. “Maybe. I don’t know.”

“How about your Ma’s funeral?”

“Next week,” Alex said automatically. “They still don’t have all the details worked out.”

“I’ll call you then,” Rob told him. 

“You do that.”

“Listen, Alex,” he lowered his voice. “Are you sure your okay? You can talk to me.”

Alexander sighed and looked at him. “I know.”

Someone tapped his shoulder from behind him. “Excuse me, young man,” a lady said in a high pitched voice. “But your holding up the queue. If you want to chit-chat, do it another time.”

Robert rolled his eyes and gave him an apologetic smile. Alex took the bag and headed out of the store, the woman behind glaring at him as he left. 

———

Ms Baker was waiting for him in the kitchen when he got back.

“Alexander, you’re back!” She cried happily. “I got a call from the lovely man from yesterday.”

“Greene?” He asked, scrunching his nose.

“Yes,” she continued. “He’d like to let you know that your dad wants you to pack your things for when he arrives, and that you can get your things from your house now.”

“Why does my dad want me to pack?” 

“I can only guess that he’s taking you back to live with him,” Ms Baker said, shrugging. “Isn’t that nice?”

“Very,” He said drily, trying to fight the urge to roll his eyes.

“Nathaniel Greene also said that the keys are under the mat, if you want to take your things now.”

“Perfect security,” he muttered under his breath. “I’ll go now and get it over with.”

“Would you like me to come with you, dear?” She asked him, smiling.

“I’ll be alright,” he told her. 

Alex put down the groceries on the table and started to put them in their places when Ms Baker stopped him.

“It’s okay, Alex,” she said. “I’ll do this myself. You go get your things.”

He nodded and smiled at her, pausing, then taking a deep breath and leaving the house.

  
It was very chilly outside. Puddles of rain shined on the grey street, and the icy wind howled. He let out a breath and smiled as the vapour floated in the air like smoke. 

He remembered how him and his mother used to do this when she walked him to school.

_“Mama, look!” He squealed, blowing. “I’m a dragon!” His mother gasped comically._

_“A dragon!” She cried. “Why, we must slay you!”_

_“No!” He giggled. “I’m a good dragon! I help the princess!”_

_“Are you sure?” She narrowed her eyes. He nodded enthusiastically._

_“Well, I’m an evil dragon!” She said. “And I’m going to eat you!”_

_Alex laughed and ran away while she pretended to chase after him on the street._

Alex blinked and bit his lip. That all happened the winter before she got sick, before _they_ got sick and couldn’t go out anymore. Which, of course, she still did, to go to work and bring home food. The doctor told her she should get a subscription to _HomeFood,_ a company that bought cheap, homemade food everyday, but his mum said they just couldn’t afford it, and insisted she was feeling fine. He stayed home everyday, rewatching Brooklyn Nine Nineon his small phone and doing the class work his teacher sent him. Eventually, he got better and could even go back to school.

His mother did not.

Alex shook his head and walked to his house. The key was under the mat as promised, and the house was eerily quiet when he walked in.

Apart from the dirty footprints left by the cops when they’d arrived that night, the place was untouched. There were still dirty dishes left in the sink, and the clothes were still on the washing line outside, slightly wet from the rainwater.

The stairs creaked as he walked upstairs, and he went to his room. He didn’t know what he should take with him. Anything left behind would probably be sold or given to charity. He wasn’t sure, but he really didn’t care for most of the things he had.

Alex took out a slightly dusty suitcase from his wardrobe and looked at his clothes. He’d had most of them for years, yet they still fit him. He decided to bring with him three pairs of trousers, four jumpers and a shirt. As for his shoes, he put a pair of old black Vans his mum had gotten him for his sixteenth birthday. 

He looked at his desk next. There was a small black box which had a single earring in, from when he’d pierced his ear when he was 14. He’d never actually worn any earrings, and he was sure the hole was going to close soon, but it was also a gift from his mum. He wasn’t going to leave it behind.

A bunch of notebooks later, he had almost filled up the rest of the bag and hadn’t even gotten to his books yet. He wasn’t going to be able to take them all. 

In the end, he ended up picking _Sad Cypress, Lord Edgware dies, The order of the Phoenix, The Death Cure, An Inspector Calls_ and a french copy of Macbeth. He ignored the heavy pang in his heart as he looked away from the rest of the books.

After a few more minutes of searching, Alex finally zipped up his suitcase. He had only added some schoolbooks and a photo album more. 

He left the room and was about to head back to Ms Baker’s when he’d noticed his mums room. The door was closed.

On the night of her death, they hadn’t let him in. Probably thought it was too traumatising for him. But now there was no one to stop him from coming in.

He came in slowly, the door creaking as he opened it. The room was hot compared to the rest of the house, and the lights were broken. 

The desk had dust gathering on it, and had a few photo frames on it. One was him when he was only a small baby. His cheeks were red but he was fast asleep. His mum said he’d been much too small as a baby, and she had to leave him in the hospital for another two weeks until they were sure he was healthy. She said that even though Alex was tiny, he screamed the most out of the other children, and the hospital staff were happy to see him go.

The next photo was his mum on her wedding day. She had gotten married to his father two weeks after he was born. He remembered her telling him how excited she was for them to all be a proper family again. Her beautiful brown hair was curled upwards and she had a happy smile upwards, her blue eyes twinkling. The happiness didn’t last for long. His dad was a bitch, and their marriage was a wreck before they split four years later.

The last photo was her and an older him. He must have been around ten- his hair was only slightly less shorter than it was now, and he had a small smile on his face while his mum wrapped her arms around him. It was snowing outside- must have been the last few weeks in the Caribbean before they moved to England. They both were so happy.

_Why did that have to end?_

He didn’t realise he was crying until a tear drop landed on the desk. Alex wiped his eyes and left the room quickly- he couldn’t bear to look at it any longer.

Ms Baker asked him if he got everything he needed from the house when he got back. He forced a smile and nodded.

“Come and have dinner, dear,” she said. “I’ve made jacket potatoes.”

“No,” he croaked, swallowing. “I’m- I’m all good.”

There was a short silence, then she came rushing out of the kitchen. She took one look at his tear stained face and shook her head.

“Oh no, Alexander,” she said sadly and wrapped her arms around him. He sniffed and buried his head in her chest. She rubbed his arm slowly and he broke: heavy sobs rocked his body as the tear ran down his cheeks. 

_Oh god, his mum was dead._

“What am I going to do?” He whispered. She stroked his hair.

“You’re strong, Alex,” she murmured. “You’ll get through this.”

Alex coughed and she pulled back from him. “Jacked potato?”

He nodded. “Yes.”

He didn’t sleep well that night.

——

Alex woke up to people talking downstairs. He lay in bed for a few minutes, listening to the low hum of voices and trying to work out who could be here. 

“Alex!” Ms Baker called. “Someone’s here to see you.” 

“Coming!” He answered, and forced himself out of bed. He slipped out of his pajamas quickly and put on yesterday’s clothes. Running a hand through his hair, he made his way down the stairs. 

Ms Baker was in the kitchen, chatting to Nathaniel Greene and a woman he didn’t recognise. They all looked at him when he entered.

“Hello, Alexander,” Greene greeted him with an awkward smile. Alex looked at the three adults.

“What’s going on?” He asked.

“Well,” Greene began, then looked at the lady for assistance.

“Hello, Mr Hamilton,” the woman said, smiling. “My name is Nikki Cruger. I work for the NST. I’m here to let you know that your father has arrived and completed the paperwork needed. You will be leaving with him this afternoon.”

“What?” Alex blinked. “But- My mum’s funeral-“

Greene looked at his shoes. “I’m afraid there’s nothing we can do. Mr Hamilton is insisting to leave the country today.”

Alex shook his head. “Wait, what the hell?”

“He can’t do that!” Ms Baker exclaimed. “He has no right to stop him from going to his own mum’s funeral!”

“I’m afraid he has,” Cruger said. “He has full rights of Alexander here. It’s up to him where they go.”

“I’m sorry, Alexander,” Greene said, and he really did seem sorry. “We tried to arrange for the funeral to be earlier, but your father still wants to leave today.”

Alex clenched his fists, trying to keep himself calm. “I’m not going.”

Cruger just raised her eyebrows at him with a bored look on her face. “You have to.”

”I’m notgoing. You can’t make me.”

”Alexander,” Greene tried. “Your father must have his reasons for wanting to leave so quickly.”

”I don’t give a _fuck_ about his reasons,” he hissed. “I’m not missing my own mum’s funeral because of his schedule. Tell him to go and come back another time.”

Cruger ran an impatient hand through her hair. ”Mr Hamilton-“

”I’m sixteen. I can legally live on my own. He can fuck off back to Scotland.”

“There will still be a small funeral,” Cruger told him.

”I’m _family_.”  
  
“Your father is also family,”

”I haven’t seen him in years.” Alex let out a laugh, and realised he was shaking. He forced himself to take a deep breath and sat down on the last step of the stairs. “My mum died, and you all just want me to leave the damn country without even going to her funeral? I thought you guys worked with kids.”

Greene sighed. “Alex, think about your future. I’ve seen your school records. You’re a smart kid. You have a bright future. Don’t throw that away?”

Alex leaned back and crossed his arms. “Is that supposed to convince me?”

”How about this?” Cruger said. “You can go and see your father and tell him all this. Because we dont really have a say in this.” As Alex stayed silent, she straightened up and smiled. “And that reminds me- your mother left a will. She has left you everything she had owned, minus a sum of money that will go to your brother, James.”

_James. The asshole._

“You will inherit what she left for you when you turn 18,” Cruger continued. “Until then, it will stay with your father.”

Alex stayed silent- he didn’t know what to say. 

“Alexander,” Greene said. “If you’d like to collect your items- your father is waiting for you.”.

“What?” He said in disbelief. “I’m going now?” Greene nodded

“Like I said,” Cruger told him. “Your father is in a rush to leave.”

“Get your things, Alex,” Ms Baker said softly, and Alex jumped. He’s forgotten she was there. She looked angry but defeated- there was nothing she could do.

Alex’s shoulders sagged and he sighed, turning round to get his suitcase from upstairs. He felt like crying all over again. Did some people have no hearts? Did his _father_ not care at all? It was bad enough that his damn mother- the only stable thing in his life- had died, but now he wasn’t even allowed to attend the funeral? 

He dragged himself to the bedroom he’d been staying in- he didn’t know how to thank Ms Baker for being so kind to him the past couple of days. He grabbed the suitcase and trudged back downstairs. He couldn’t believe he was leaving the city he’d spent the last six years in- it had grown on him, become his home. He never _liked_ it, but it was everything he was familiar with. He was leaving the street; he’d never go to his school again, never pick up groceries from the local Tesco.

And _Robert._ He’d probably never see him again. He wouldn’t even have time to say goodbye. 

Ms Baker still looked furious as Greene and Cruger said their goodbyes and left to wait for him in the car. She looked at him sadly.

“You’ll email me, Alex, dear,” she told him firmly. “And I want you to tell me how you’re doing, all the time.”

“I’m not going,” he reminded her, but she just nodded, looking like she didn’t believe what he said. “Um, but if I do- which I won’t- I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too, dear,” she whispered. “And don’t worry- I’m going to go to your mother’s funeral and tell her how much you wished you could have been there- and I’m sure I won’t be the only one there. A lot of people liked your mum.”

“I’m going to be there.” He tried to keep the frustration out of his voice. “Ms Baker, I- could you tell Robert where I am if he stops by?”

“Of course. I'm sure he’ll understand.”

Alex took a deep breath. “Bye, Miss.”

“Goodbye, dear. Take care.”

And then she was also gone.

—

“Put on your seatbelt,” Cruger said as he entered the car.  
  


“Fuck you,” he muttered under his breath. The car was small and there was no heater in the backseat, meaning he had to freeze the entire journey.

“Where are we going?” He asked Greene, who seemed to be the nice one of the two.

“Your father is at the train station,” he answered. “We’ll drop you off there. Unless you’d like breakfast?”

Alex opened his mouth to answer, but Cruger cut him off. “No time, Nathaniel,” she said harshly. “We have jobs to get to.”

The trip was mostly silent. Greene was obviously too awkward to start a conversation with him, and Cruger was driving, and just didn’t care enough to talk to him.

He sat with his back faced away from the window. He couldn’t stand looking outside at the city he would be leaving soon; it hurt too much. Alex shivered in his jumper and wrapped his arms around himself. Greene looked at him.

“Are you cold?” He asked in concern. 

“A bit,” He said quietly. He watched as Greene shrugged off the black trench coat he had on and passed it to him. Alex started to decline it but Greene shook his head.

“Scotland is quite a long way away,” he told him. “I have a lot of coats. You need this more than me.”

Alex smiled. “Thank you,” he murmured, not feeling up to contradicting him. Greene smiled back, nodding, and faced the front again. He put the coat on.

——

They arrived at the train station at 12:10 pm. Cruger hurried them out of the car, saying that the next train to Scotland was in half an hour. She took out her phone and dialled someone’s number; Alex assumed it was dad, and he was right.

“Hello, Mr Hamilton,” she said anxiously. “Yes, we are at the station. Yes, we’ve just arrived. Where are you standing? Ah, yes, ok, I see it. We’re coming right now.”

Cruger turned to him and Greene. “Mr Hamilton is waiting for us at next to the ticket office. We should hurry up. He seems to be in a hurry.”

Greene nodded. “Let’s go.”

The ticket office had a small queue in front of it (The Brits loved queuing up for things); he glanced around, trying to see his father, while also catching up to Cruger. 

They were closer to the office when Alex saw him. Wearing a brown jacket and grey-and-black scarf, he was leaning against the dark, brick wall behind him. He had a scruffy, short beard and curly, brown hair peeking out of his cap.

Alex faltered in his step and paused to stare at him. He hadn’t seen his father in years, but, despite the new beard, he looked like the same person he’d lived with before. He swallowed and looked away quickly as Cruger snapped at him to hurry up, and started walking again. 

“Alexander, are you okay?” Greene asked. Alex forced himself to smile and nod.

His father looked up as they arrived, sighing in relief. Alex refused to meet his eye. 

“Hello, sir,” Cruger greeted quickly. “Sorry for the delay, there was quite a lot of traffic.”

“It’s alright,” he answered, then looked at Alex. “Hello, Alexander.” He added softly.

“Hi, Dad,” he whispered, still not meeting his eye. Cruger checked her watch.

“I’m afraid we’ve got to get going now,” she said. “Goodbye, Alexander.”

Alex gave her a strained smile. 

“Good luck for the future, Alex,” Greene said, smiling. 

“Your coat-“

“It’s ok, keep it,” He patted his shoulder. “Take care.”

“Thank you,” he murmured as they both walked away. He looked back at the ground and pulled the coat tighter around himself, still refusing to meet his father's eyes.

“How are you, Alex?”

“Good.” He muttered.

“How have you been since- since what happened.”

 _Not like you care._ “Fine.”

Pause.

“Have you been handling it all right?” His father tried again.

“Yes.”

He sighed. “Alex, I understand it’s been a rough couple of days for you-“ _you think?_ “But this isn’t my fault.”

“Sure. Okay.” _Maybe if you’d actually been around, you could have made things easier._

“I missed you, Alex.”

“Right.” He finally met his father’s eyes. “So, what’s going on? Why do you want me to leave so quickly? Excited for me to meet your family?” He couldn’t keep the sarcasm from his voice.

His father coughed. “Actually, you’re not coming to Scotland. You’ll be taking the train to London Heathrow Airport.”

Alex blinked, taken aback. “What? Why?”

He checked his watch. “There’s a cafe near here. Let’s sit down, have a bite to eat. I’ll explain what’s going to happen.”

Alex was so damn _tired_ of people keeping things from him. His mother did it for her sickness until she couldn’t hide it anymore, the doctors refused to tell him anything about her condition, the police stayed silent the days after her death, and now his father was stalling. He shook his head. “I’m not hungry.”

“Alex-“

“Just tell me what’s going on.”

His father sighed. “I sent your records to another school- King’s college. They’re impressed by the results and have agreed to let you start this far into the year.”

“King’s college?” Alex blinked. “Isn’t that in America?” 

“It’s a boarding school,” he said. “High grades, very prestigious. And expensive. I’ll be paying the fees for the first two months, then you’ll be doing an exam for a scholarship.”

“You’re sending me to _America?”_

“Well, yes.”

“Father, I know you haven’t been around a lot, but I’ve been studying by the British Curriculum for the past years. I can’t just change to the American system.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he argued. “The schools aren’t that much different. I have lots of friends whose kids go there. Besides, you’re a smart kid, Alex. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

Alex didn’t answer, and there was a short silence.

“Look, Alexander, I have a family now. A wife and kids. It’s too difficult for you to come back and live with me. I thought you’d be happy with my decision, given how passionate you are about your studies.” 

_I was your family once too, Dad._

“So you thought I’d be fine with you shipping me off to the other side of the world?” He barked out a dry laugh. “Whatever. I’m not even going.”

His father furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. “What do you mean?”

”Well, Daddy Dearest, I mean I’m not going.” He shrugged. “Not now, at least. Maybe after mum’s funeral.”

“Oh, so that’s what this is about.” His father sighed. “Alex, think about what your mother would want.”

”She’d want me to go to her funeral.”   
  
“Maybe, but above that, she’s want you to have a future,” he responded, stressing the last word.   
  


“Then I’ll have a future. After I go to her funeral.”

”Alexander,” his dad said, his voice strained. “I already arranged everything with the school. It’s too much trouble to change things.”

”Maybe you should’ve talked to me first then.” 

He sighed. “I didn’t want to do this, but listen to me. If you don’t go, I’ll withdraw my funds to her funeral altogether. There’ll be no point of you staying here.”

Alex stared at him in shock. “You can’t just do that.”

”Yes, I can. I’m doing this for you.”

”No, you’re doing this to be a manipulative bitch.” People turned around and looked at them, but he didn’t care. “You’re a fucking horrible person.”

His father looked pained. “Your train is at 12:35.” He opened his bag and took out a passport with a ticket inside. He hadn’t seen his passport since his father accidentally took it with him when he left. He didn’t really need it, since he hadn’t traveled for years.

“Is that not expired yet?” Alex asked suspiciously.

“I renewed it last year,” he said. “Just in case.”

“Just in case you need to force your son to travel to a different continent?”

“Alex, please.”

He laughed. “Whatever. Where am I going?”

”London Heathrow Airport. The school has sent someone to wait for you next to gate five,” His father explained. “He’ll take you through the security check, passport control, all those procedures. Then both of you will board the plane.”

“And then?”

“And then you’ll be taken to the school.”

”Okay. Fuck you.”

”Don’t do this, Alexander.” His father pleaded. 

Alex ignored him. “Can I ask questions now?”  
  
“I wasn’t stopping you.”

“Is there a uniform?” He asked. His father nodded.

“They’ll give it to you when you get there.”

“What about books and the other stuff?” 

“That’ll also be ready for you.”

“What’s the school called again?”

“King’s College. One of the top in the world. It has a campus for uni as well,”

“You’ve really thought this out, huh?” Alex muttered bitterly.

“You’re my son, Alexander,” he said sternly. “I only want the best for you.”

“I doubt that,” he said under his breath. 

“And don’t worry, I’ve informed the school of- of the events of the past couple of days. They’ll understand if you aren’t doing your best at first.”

“How nice of you.”

“Now,” his father checked his watch, not picking up the sarcasm in his voice. “Are you sure you don’t want something to eat?”

Alex didn’t remember saying he didn’t want to, but right now, being near his father made him want to punch something, and so he shrugged. “I’ll get something on the train.”

His father took out his wallet and handed him a ten pound note. “Here. Use this.”

Alex forced a smile. “Thanks. This makes up for everything.” His father sighed but didn’t answer. “When’s the train?”

“In ten minutes. I’ll take you to it now.”

The last time he’d been on a train was when there was the National Debate Tournament. The school had selected him, two girls (Maddie and Katie), and a boy called Tom to compete, and he was proud to say that they came second overall. It was the first time he felt like he’d belonged somewhere, looking at the silver medal he won. 

That all felt like a lifetime ago.

The trained groaned as it halted to a stop, and people poured out of the open doors. His father handed him his passport, plane ticket and train ticket. They faced each other awkwardly, neither of them knowing what to say to the other.

“Well, bye, then.” His Dad said. Alex stared up at him, the anger draining out of him, and hoping against hope he’d say something fatherly, like _I love you,_ or _have fun, son_ or _anything_ that meant he cared.

_I have no one else, Dad. You’re the only family I have left. James is gone, my cousin’s mad._

_Don’t leave me alone. Please._

Silence.

“Fuck you,” he whispered, and he entered the train.

——

His dad left before the train did. Alex watched him through the window, hoping to have him running after the train like in the movies, waving and crying. Obviously, that didn’t happen.

The compartment wasn’t empty, but he felt more alone than he’d ever been. A few days ago he was fine: numb, but fine. Now the past few days all came crashing down on him, and his throat closed up. He rubbed his hands together, trying to calm down, but he was drowning in the sea of events that only just hit him like a hurricane. 

The world started spinning around him. The thoughts were accelerating in his head; he willed them to slow down, but they wouldn’t. He clenched his fist and tried to regulate his breathing, but it felt like a ghost had his hand wrapped around his throat. He couldn’t control his body anymore.

_Breathe. Breathe. Breathe._

_Go to your safe place._

What was his safe place?

His mum was his safe place, his anchor. She was their when he got his first panic attack, right after his dad left. He was trembling in the corner of the room, and he _couldn’t breathe._ She had wrapped her arms around him. What else did she do?

_Count to ten._

He drew in a trembling breath.

_Un, deux, trois-_

He unclenched his hands.

_Quatre, cinq, six-_

He opened his eyes. The blurry shapes in his vision focused a little.

_Sept, huit, neuf-_

He stopped shaking. His heart slowed down.

_Dix._

He sighed.

He could breathe again.

Alex rubbed the tears away with the sleeve of his jumper, glad no one seemed to have noticed his _episode._ He fiddled with his suitcase, deciding if he should risk taking a quick nap, when the door of the compartment swung open.

A boy rushed in, scowling. He had dark brown hair, hanging over his left eye, and an undercut on the other side. One of his ears was covered with piercings, and the other was empty of them. Hazel eyes scanned the compartment before they landed on Alex. He was wearing a thin, red jumper that had _King's College_ embroidered on the top left over a white shirt. 

“King’s College?” Alex wondered aloud. 

“Do you go there?” The boy asked. 

“I’m about to start.”

“I was going to say,” he said, sitting down on the opposite seat to him. “I haven’t seen you before.”

“Hasn’t the term already begun?” Alex questioned.

“My Grandma was sick, so we visited.”

“How is she now?”

“Not sick,” the boy said.

“That’s good,” Alex said slowly.

“She died two weeks ago.”

“Oh, I’m- I’m sorry,” Alex apologised quickly. The boy shrugged.

“We weren’t really close,” he said. “She thought I was a ‘delinquent child’ who wasn’t raised properly.”

“Still, she was your grandma..” he tailed off.

“Yeah, I guess.” The boy leaned forward. “What’s your name?”

“Alex,” he gave him a small smile. “Alexander Hamilton.”

“I’m Charles,” the boy replied, returning the grin. “Charles Lee.”

“Pleasure.”

“So, what’s your story?” Charles asked, pulling off the jumper and crossing his arms. 

“Sorry?” Alex blinked in confusion.

“Why are you starting so late?”

“Family stuff,” he muttered. 

“You don’t want to go?”

Alex shrugged. “I don’t know. It was a really rushed decision. I had no choice, to put it lightly.”

Charles snorted. “Story of my life, dude.”

“What, your parents forced you to go too?”

“My Dad’s in the army. They give free places to King’s, so I had to go.”

“Ah.”

Charles pulled out what looked like a perfume bottle from his bag and unscrewed the cap, taking a swig. He held it out for him when he caught Alex watching him.

“I’ll pass,” Alex said.

Charles shrugged. “Suit yourself.” He took another swig and wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt. “So, are you from around here?”

“I’ve lived in Coventry for around a few years,” Alex replied, not wanting to elaborate. “What about you?”

“My mum lives in Yorkshire,” Charles said. 

“How come you’re here then? In London?”

“Well, she’s a real estate agent, travels a lot,” he answered. “We came here around five days ago.”

“Do you like it?” Alex asked.

Lee thought about it for a second. “I mean, it’s a nice change. You get bored of the seaside eventually. What’s Coventry like?”

Alex shrugged. “Small. Cold. Like most cities in the UK.”

Charles barked out a laugh. “You got that right.”

Their conversation was briefly interrupted by the ticket inspector, who looked at Charles in disapproval but said nothing.

Alex leaned forward after he moved on from them. “What’s the school like?”

Charles shrugged. “It’s alright. Pretty big. Nice food. Decent rooms. The kids are okay. Lots of pretty girls. Lots of dickheads too. And some fags as well, but you just ignore them.”

Alex bit his lip and hummed in acknowledgment. He was just starting to like Lee before he finished his sentence. Now he was seriously considering moving to another seat.

Back in Nevis, being gay wasn’t something you could be open about. It was a topic you had to steer clear of at all times, or else everyone would look down on you. Alex had it easy: He was straight and could date openly. But he felt a pang in his heart for all his closeted friends who had to sneak around and keep their love hidden. 

In coventry, people were a lot more accepting towards homosexuality. There was a kid called billy in his school, who stood in front of the class and came out to all of them. There were some uncomfortable glances, but no one made any rude comments. Alex thought billy was brave, and decided he’d be nice to him from then onwards. 

Still, there were a few people who still had the same nineteenth century mindset, and apparently Charles Lee was one of those people. However nice he was, or cool he looked, Alex didn’t think he could be good friends with someone like that.

Conveniently, Alex’s phone rung at that moment, saving him from having to continue the conversation. Alex gave Lee an apologetic smile, which Charles returned with a dismissive wave and took out his own phone. 

“Rob _”_ was written on the display handle, and Alex groaned internally. He’d forgotten to even tell him that he was leaving. Well, he didn’t really _forget._ It was more that he pretended to himself that he forgot. He just really didn’t want to go through the whole conversation that he knew would happen. And he didn’t know when he would come back, or if he would even return. 

Besides, he would be better off without him. Alex had a knack at ruining people’s lives. 

_James. Peter._

_His dad. His mum._

Alex took a deep breath and braced himself before he answered the call.

“Hey, man,” He said quietly.

_“Don’t ‘hey’ me. Where are you?”_

“Uh, not in Coventry?”

_“No shit, man. Your neighbour said your dad forced you to leave or something. What’s going on?”_

“Well, um,” he glanced at Charles to see if he was listening; he was grateful when he saw that Lee had headphones on and didn’t seem to be paying attention. “I saw my dad.”

_“I figured that out. Why?”_

“Because he had custody over me.”

_“Since when?”_

“Since Ma died. Dad was contacted and he agreed to take me.”

_“Take you? Don’t tell me you’re going to live in Scotland.”_

“Nope.”

_“So where are you going?”_

“The great land of America.”

_“What? What are you talking about?”_

“Well, since my dad wants nothing more than to get me out of the way, he’s sending me over to a boarding school.”

_“What’s it called?”_

“King’s College. Apparently it’s really _up there,_ if you know what I mean. Dad wouldn’t stop saying how good it is.”

_“You’re not seriously going, are you?”_

“I don’t have a choice.”

_“What about your mum’s funeral?”_

“I told you. I don’t have a choice.”

_“Yes, you do, mate! You’re sixteen. You can legally live on your own.”_

“I don’t really fancy living on the streets. Look, I want a future, Rob. I’m not gonna get that if I’m trying to figure out how to feed myself everyday,” he muttered, copying what everyone had been telling him the entire day. 

_“I’d help you out.”_

“I know you would, but that wouldn’t work for long. And I’m just- I’m just so tired, okay? I still can’t believe my mum’s-“ he swallowed. “-dead. And if I fuck this up, I don’t get another chance. Dad doesn’t want me to live with him. He’ll cancel the funeral if I don’t go. It’s a lose-lose situation. I’ve got to do what he says.”

There was a short pause, and the line crinkled on the other end.

_“He’s a fucking asshole. He can’t just do that.”_

“That’s what I said. But he can.”

_Quiet. “Why didn’t you say bye?”_

“I- I forgot.”

_“Like hell you did.”_

“We had to leave quickly. And I just didn’t want to make a big deal.”

_“You could’ve at least called. I thought we were friends.”_

“We _are._ Or we were. I don’t know. I haven’t been thinking properly.”

_“Right.”_

Alex sighed. “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I know I should’ve called. I just didn’t know what to say. Goodbyes aren’t easy.”

_“I know, I know. Is this goodbye?”_

“I don’t know when I’ll be back. Or if I’m coming back.”

_“Okay. Great. Just take care, alright? Don’t be too hard on yourself. You deserve to be happy.”_

_Do I?_ “Thanks, mate. I’ll keep that in mind.”

_“Don’t forget to text me, if you’re not too busy.”_

“I won’t,” Alex said. “I’ll miss you.”

_“I’ll miss you too, man. Stay safe, yeah?”_

“Yeah. Bye.”

Alex sighed.

—————

The train arrived just as Alex almost fell asleep. He glanced over at Charles, who still had his headphones in, but his eyes were closed. His chest rose and fell slowly. Alex hesitated before shaking him slowly.

“Hey,” he whispered. “We’re here.” 

Lee jerked awake. “What?”

“Train arrived. We’re in London.”

“Oh.” He looked around, as if making sure he was in the right place. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Alex murmured. Charles pulled on his jumper and put his phone in his bag. He wondered if he should wait for him; he was an asshole, but Alex didn’t feel like leaving alone. Thankfully, Lee was quick with gathering himself, and they both left the train quickly.

“Which gate?” Charles asked. 

”Five,” Alex answered. “When’s your flight?”

Lee checked his watch, “In four hours. You?”

“Mine is-“ he fumbled with his things, searching for his ticket. “Uh- in an hour and a half.”

“Have you ever been on a plane before?” Charles asked him, sounding amused.

“Yes,” Alex said indignantly. “A few years ago.”

“Mm.” Lee cocked his head to one side. “Are you going by yourself?”

“No. Someone from the school is meant to meet me at the gate entrance.”

“I’ll come with you,” he said. “You don’t look like you could do it on your own.”

Alex wanted to snap at Lee and tell him to piss off and mind his own business, but he bit back his tongue and muttered a quiet “thank you”.

They walked in silence till they reached the gate. Alex stopped and looked around, trying to figure out where the school rep would be. Couldn’t he have at least gotten his name before he left? And why couldn’t he just hold a sign with Alex’s name on- that would’ve made things so much easier. 

Alex turned to ask Charles for help. 

Lee wasn’t looking at him: his eyes were on something else. Alex followed his gaze, but found nothing but a blonde guy with a fluffy white cat in his lap, a woman screaming on the phone, and two pigeons fighting over a breadcrumb.

Alex nudged him and Lee turned back.

“What’s got your attention?“ Alex asked.

“What?” Lee almost shouted. “What are you talking about?” 

“Uh-” Alex backed away from him slightly. “You were staring at something?”

Charles blinked at him, the panic in his face dissolving. “Oh, right. Sorry. I was just thinking.” 

“Okay,” Alex said slowly. “Could you help me find the guy? I don’t know where he is.”

”What guy?”

”School guy. I don’t know who he is.”

Charles looked around, then pointed somewhere. 

“What?” Alex asked.

“Found him,” Lee grinned. “I’ll take you to him.”

The guy that he had pointed at was a round, pudgy man with a moustache. He was wearing a black suit and tie. Alex recognised the schools logo on his blazer. Alex just wanted to know how the hell his father _and_ the school expected him to notice the man among everyone else.

“Sir,” Lee said as they approached him. The man nodded at the two of them.

“How are you, Lee? Finally coming back to school?” He said. Lee’s eye twitched.

“Yes, sir,” he muttered. “Flight’s in a few hours. This is Hamilton.”

“Alexander,” the man said, his eyes turning to him. “John Adams.” He reached out his hand and Alex shook it begrudgingly. _How many hands am I going to shake today?_ “I’ve been waiting for a long time.”

“Sorry for the delay, sir,” Alex said. Adams stared at him with his small, beady eyes, then nodded.

“Well, we have no time to lose. The plane will board soon. Where is your passport and ticket?”

Alex handed them over silently.

“Thank you. Now let’s go.” Adams turned to Lee. “Have a safe flight, Lee.”

“You too, sir.” Charles nodded at Alex. “I’ll see you around campus, yeah?”

 _Hopefully not._ “Yeah. See you.”

—————

The airport wasn’t very busy, and Adams and him got onto the flight in time. He flicked through the channels on the In Flight TV, before putting on a song called _splits_ from a band he hadn’t heard of before, and slept for most of the flight. Alex was fine until the landing, where he rushed to the bathroom and vomited into the toilet. He had to suffer through Adam’s judgemental face as he returned to his seat.

They spoke virtually no words to each other, other than the basic instructions and answers. He didn’t ask if he wanted food (which he didn’t, since there was food on the plane and he loved it) and didn’t bother himself with personal questions, which was one thing he was grateful for.

A taxi picked them up after they finished with the security checks and left the airport. The drivers- wait for it- _drove_ the entire time, without so much glancing back or asking how they were. Adams opened a small book and stared at the same page for almost the entire ride. Alex was itching to take one of his notebooks and spilling down the events of the past couple of days, but his suitcase was in the back of the car and there was no way he could get it. 

Well, at least the heater worked.

They arrived after almost two hours. Alex almost cried with happiness when they finally got out and he could stretch his legs. The driver was handed the fare, and he drove off quickly after taking his bag out of the trunk. Alex didn’t think the driver looked at him once. 

The school was in the middle of so much _greenness-_ it reminded him painfully on Coventry.

He guessed the purpose was so the students didn’t try and sneak out at night, because there was nothing to escape to. The only things close by was a grocery store, and a WHSmith (which made him happy).

The building itself was huge and tall; big, brown bricks, large double doors and double glazed windows. _KING’S COLLEGE_ was scrolled in big letters on the middle of it. 

Alex felt sick as he followed Adams to the school. Butterflies- the bad ones- fluttered in his stomach and he just wanted them to stay still. His heart pounded quickly. 

_I’m not ready._

_Yes you are._

_I can’t do this._

_You have no other choice._

_I’m going to fuck up. I always do._

_There’s no second chance._

He took a deep breath and walked in.


End file.
